Fixing it forever...

First of all, I'm going to reassure y'all that I have no intention of killing myself. I just find one of my responses to overwhelming depression rather curious.

It seems that every time I get really depressed and feel completely hopeless about things turning around, my first thought... my very first thought... is that I should just off myself. That would fix everything, forever. No more problems. No more bullshit. No more people and no more loneliness. No more feeling bad about myself. No more craptastic relationships. No more anything. What an amazingly soothing thought. Really, it's quite simply the easiest way to resolve all my issues, and I can resolve them all at once. However, the cost is pretty high. I don't get to enjoy the resolution of my issues. It's an end to misery, but it's not a beginning to joy.

But, oh man would it be nice to get a good night's sleep! Sleeping forever, with no nightmares, sounds so wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

But then I metaphorically look myself in the face and say, with a very critical expression, "what the eff are you thinking that for? that's just stupid. offing yourself? over stupid bullshit? are you really going to let 'them' win?"

And that's the end of that. So, instead, I wallow in my "nothing will ever get better... things will always be this way, and if they ever look like they are getting better, I am just a moment away from crashing back down."

I can change my surroundings, the people in my life, everything in my environment, but it's always the same bullshit. People are people. Places are places. And I am me. No matter what I do to change things, they always end up the same. The world is an awful place and awful things happen there. You can either work within that framework or sit around wallowing about the way things are. Make it better or be depressed. It's a choice, and unfortunately I only have enough energy to be in the "make it better" frame of mind for so long. Eventually it gets to be too much. The odds are stacked against me and I just can't keep pushing on. So I fall into depression and wonder if I should just off myself.

The problems of the world are way too big for little ol' me, so why do I think I should be responsible for taking them all on? Of course I'm going to feel overwhelmed and fail in those circumstances. I'm pretty strong, ambitious, hard-working, innovative, passionate, and so on... but that's not enough to fix everything... I'm only one person and I'm up against 1 billion idiots/jerks, 8 billion people who are oblivious and/or just struggling to get through the day. There are only about 100,000 people trying to make things better. Yeah, I pulled those numbers out of my ass, but they are meant to be accurate, they are meant to illustrate how I feel.

It's overwhelming. And I feel powerless and pathetic in the face of it all.

So, yeah. I guess I'm just going to keep "trucking on" for as long as I possibly can. Giving up is for people who aren't crazy enough to keep trying. I'm pretty crazy.