Alarm bells and whistles

So, I recently started a new medication, and one of the lovely side effects is insomnia. I don't really need any help in the sleeplessness category. I have had problems with insomnia at least as far back as 4 years old.

My normal category of insomnia is "trouble falling asleep." When things get really bad, I wake up in the middle of the night too, but that's pretty rare. However, now that I am not this medication, I get to deal with "trouble falling asleep" and "wakes up in the middle of the night" and so on.

The best part is, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I can't fall back asleep. So, I am averaging around 4 1/2 hours of sleep every night. I'm really not sure how much longer I can function on that little sleep. I used to be able to do it, when I was a teenager. But I'm not a teenager anymore, and "functioning" means more than just going to school and making it through the day. Now if I am unable to function, I lose money and I can't afford to lose money right now.

So, today is Thanksgiving, and it shouldn't matter that I got very little sleep and am now awake because my boyfriend's normal weekly alarm clock went off at 5:30am after we went to bed somewere around midnight and I struggled to fall asleep until close to 1am. I don't have to work today, right? So, I should be fine.

Well, it's true I do not have to go to work and be functional in that regard. But I am going to a large-ish family dinner and it's not my family so that means I have to be even more alert (they won't understand my mumbly, grumpy zombie-esque-ness).

Lack of sleep makes me: grumpy, slow in processing things, stumbly, and all kinds of other fun things that make social activity more difficult. I had every intention of just sitting in my favorite 24-hour coffee shop today and not dealing with the social B.S., but my boyfriend was quite upset about my plans, so I'm stuck doing the social thing instead.

I just want to be left to my own devices during this time of year. I don't want to deal with people and their holiday demands. I don't want to celebrate holidays that no longer have any meaning (and whose original meaning doesn't necessarily sit well with me anyway).

Why won't the family-oriented Christians just leave this anti-social atheist alone?!?! I'm perfectly happy being alone on the holidays. I don't need to be dragged into someone else's family drama. And even if there isn't drama, it does not appeal to me. I just want to pretend this time of year doesn't exist at all. No holidays.

It's kind of hard to pretend Christmas doesn't happen though. Some radio stations start playing Christmas music even before Thanksgiving, and some stores put out their Christmas decorations even before Halloween. Before Halloween!!!! Why? Why do they have to mess with my favorite holiday? Just let me have that one stupid day every year, would you? No, of course not. I think some people would like for it to be Christmas all year long. And they seem to think that the rest of us should just have to deal with it.

Anyone know of anywhere I can go where they don't celebrate Christmas... with the caveat that it has to be a nice, friendly place where a single, young woman can wander around without any problems. I imagine I would be alone because I don't know anyone else that wants to get away from all this Christmas crap (well, in reality I do know plenty of people that want to get away, but none of them have the guts to do something for themselves instead of bending over backwards to make the family/friends happy by being miserable).

Seriously. What the hell? Why do some of us have to be miserable to make everyone else happy? And how is it that people can be happy when they are clearly forcing other people to be there (out of guilt or avoidance of conflict)? Isn't it obvious that we don't really want to be there??? Can't you just let us do our own thing? Why are we expected to do the conventional crap, and why are we punished if we don't?

And how is it that I am getting dragged into someone else's family crap? There is a reason I don't live near my family. I don't want to deal with the family crap. And they don't really expect me to anymore. They ask me if I am coming to Christmas stuff, and they are disappointed that I'm not, but it's acceptable. And now I am stuck going to someone else's family crap.

Argh. I just want to do my own thing. Why is that not acceptable? Why do I have to be dragged into someone else's idea of what I should be doing? And why can't they believe me when I say I'd rather be alone than with a group of people during this time of year? I would rather feel alone while I truly am alone than to feel alone while in a group. I don't belong in the conventional world of holiday celebration.

I'm going to have to find someone/some people that want to do something else next year. That way I have an excuse: "Look, I'm not going to be alone... I have plans... sorry."