Been a while... been kinda busy

Alrighty, so I'm doing what I can to get out of my job, but it may take me a while.

I am taking the GRE on June 8th, and applying for Grad schools (or at least one, once I figure out which one I want to go to more). I found out about a month ago that some schools are still taking applications for this Fall! When I found that out, I got super excited. I thought, "I can be out of my job by fall!!!"

But the cold, hard reality has hit me: grad schools are set up for people who are working full time. They make it super easy for you to go to school while working, so it's REALLY hard to justify quitting my job even after I start going to school. And, even though the schools I am looking at are about 1 1/2 hours away, there are so few days per month that I have to attend school in person, that I can't even truly justify moving unless I find another job around there. So, that leaves me with, "where the hell do I get a decent-paying job in this economy?" again.

I was hoping to avoid that question by going back to school.

I just want to go to school, work some silly part-time job to pay basic living expenses, and call it good. That's not looking too likely at this point though.

We'll see. Right now I'm trying to remember math from 10-15 years ago, vocab I never really learned, and re-train myself for the game-playing that is standardized testing. I used to be soooo good at standardized tests, but then I decided I don't give a rats ass what someone else thinks the answer should be, and I stopped doing well. I don't do well when I choose the answer that seems right to me. I only do well when I choose the answer that I think someone else wants me to choose. How jacked up is that? So, although I am trying to live my life by doing what seems right for me and not caring what other people think it right, I have to take tests with the exact opposite attitude. Very strange. Does that suggest that my automatic impulses and decisions in life are wrong, or just that they are wrong to people who write standardized tests?

Funny thing is, the schools I am applying to don't require GRE scores. Unfortunately, I already paid for the test, and it's not cheap, so I might as well take it. Blah blah blah.

And I really need to ask for letters of recommendation. The longer I put it off, the less considerate I am being of my letter-writers, but for some reason I am scared to ask. What if they don't know what to say? What if they have nothing great to say about me? What if they don't even remember me that well? What if they say no? *sigh*

AND I have to actually apply for at least one school. And most of them are asking for 6-page letters about myself. Sure, I can write about myself 'til the cows come home, but they want it to be relevant and it has to "sell" me as a candidate. Psh. I'm great at talking about what's wrong with me and my life... not so great about talking about how wonderfully lovely I am and how my life is moving in a positive direction. Hell if I know which way it's going. It's just going. We'll see when I get there, if I ever get there.

Alright. So, I'm rambling, as usual. And it's nearly 2am and I need to go to bed.

I spent the night all sad and lonely because no one was available to hang out and I really wanted company, and somehow that makes me not want to go to bed. It's like maybe if I stay up a little longer everything will be made right. Everything will feel better and I won't be sad and lonely and stressed and anxious and conflicted. haha. funny.

K. Goodnight or morning or afternoon or whatever time it is when you read this. :)