Flexible

Same word, different meanings:

Dictionary--
flex·i·ble
adj.
1. a. Capable of being bent or flexed; pliable; b. Capable of being bent repeatedly without injury or damage.

2. Susceptible to influence or persuasion; tractable.

3. Responsive to change; adaptable:

Thesaurus--
Flexible
Adj.
1. flexible - capable of being changed; "flexible schedules"

2. flexible - able to flex; able to bend easily; "slim flexible birches"
flexile
elastic - capable of resuming original shape after stretching or compression; springy; "an elastic band"; "a youthful and elastic walk"

3. flexible - able to adjust readily to different conditions; "an adaptable person"; "a flexible personality"; "an elastic clause in a contract"
elastic, pliable, pliant
adaptable - capable of adapting (of becoming or being made suitable) to a particular situation or use; "to succeed one must be adaptable"; "the frame was adaptable to cloth bolts of different widths"

4. flexible - bending and snapping back readily without breaking
whippy
elastic - capable of resuming original shape after stretching or compression; springy; "an elastic band"; "a youthful and elastic walk"

5. flexible - making or willing to make concessions; "loneliness tore through him...whenever he thought of...even the compromising Louis du Tillet"
compromising, conciliatory

My boyfriend seems to want me to be flexible, as in: capable of being changed, susceptible to influence or persuasion (by him), and willing to make concessions (to him, and completely one-sided).

I want to be flexible, as in: capable of adapting, responsive to change, adaptable, capable of being bent repeatedly without injury.

I see no reason to be a spineless jellyfish. I am no one's rag doll and I never shall be anyone's rag doll. I really don't see how he can possibly expect anyone to be his rag doll. It's beyond ridiculous and it pisses me off.

My leaning thus far has been to try to show him how ridiculous he is being. But after a year and a half of this with no relief, I think I'm just going to have to give up on him. He is hellbent on expecting a reality that does not exist (and I, too, have my unrealities I am hellbent towards), so I guess that's that.

How long will this last? I don't know. Which one of us will jump ship first, out of frustration? I don't know. Will he find what he is looking for in someone else? I hope not because no one should be someone else's rag doll. That's just plain unhealthy for both parties involved.

Now what?

Pointlessness

Today I am struggling with the pointlessness of life. If there is no point to life, what's the point of living? Well, there isn't one. There is no point/reason/purpose.

For those of us who feel they need a "purpose" in life in order to keep living, this is one hell of a realization to have. I can't say this is the first time I have realized there is no point to life. In fact, I realize and re-realize it in fairly frequent intervals. And then I get distracted by something and forget that I was struggling with the pointlessness of my existence.

For me, it's this: I have always believed the purpose of my life, the thing I am supposed to be doing with my life, is making the world a better place. But from what I can tell, there's really no way to do that on a large scale. I am powerless to fight against the greed, stupidity, and general selfishness of humanity.

Despite my idealistic desire for humans to be able to live in peace and treat each other with respect and care, people are really no better than any other animal. We pretend we are better. Yes, we are intelligent and build grand things and have the power/ability to create and destroy on a larger scale than other animals; that doesn't make us any less animalistic. It just means that despite out intelligence and creativity, despite our power and abilities, despite our potential we are still basically animals with animal drives and desires. We are controlled by biological and chemical processes. We use variations (sometimes very complex ones) of basic survival tactics even when we're not truly fighting for survival.

Those stress hormones coursing through your body right now are telling you FIGHT or FLIGHT, FIGHT or FLIGHT, FIGHT or FLIGHT... NOW! So we fight or flight. Or we don't, and suffer the consequences. In the end we always do one or the other in some manner. Whether we passively do some ridiculous thing to "fight" back or whether we go to the bar and drink ourselves to mindlessness because that is the only way we feel like we can escape (i.e. "flight"). Fight or flight. Fight or flight. Fight or flight.

But why do we feel like we have to fight or flight? Don't we live in the "best" world at the "best" time in history, and if you're in the USA you're told we are in the "best" country in the world. If that's the case, why are we constantly fighting or flighting. If things are so great, shouldn't we be able to relax, even for a little bit?

I'm off topic though. I really wanted to discuss the pointlessness of it all. We're just animals. There's no point to our lives. We are just here taking up time and space, until something else comes along to take our place. We can do all kinds of crazy things, but none of it really matters in the grand scheme of things. I guess this is where the argument for think globally act locally thing comes in. If you're going to try to make the world a better place, you have to do small things because if you get too stuck on trying to do big things you will get so overwhelmed that you do nothing at all because you realize it's pointless and impossible.

Small things aren't impossible though.

I need to find more value in the little things. I am always trying to make things bigger than I can bite off, and then I get discouraged/disenchanted/depressed and feel like a huge failure. Yeah, life is pointless. So let's get over ourselves, stop trying to pretend we're not animals, and realize we are working within a framework of biological and chemical processes.

I guess I have to figure out how to exploit these biological and chemical processes in some manner in order to do something to make the world better. Because, despite the pointlessness of it all, I just can't give up on that one damn idea: I gotta make it better.